Coming April 1st to Jenn X…

BREAKUP BOOTCAMP!!!  Every day in April, I’ll be giving you the best ways to not just survive, but THRIVE, during and after a breakup.  We’ll figure out how to totally disengage from your ex, start the healing process, and move on to an even better and more fabulous you!  Sound good?  I thought it might!  Tell all your friends and stay tuned!  

If Carrie Bradshaw is a cosmopolitan, Jenn X is a scotch on the rocks.

Jenn X Fan

No matter how much you think you love that a-hole, always remember to love yourself more.

Jenn X

Relationship Advice: Five reasons men fall out of love

Have you ever had the experience of being with a man who seemed crazy about you one day only to have his interest cool off - or go completely cold - the next?  What about that horrible conversation where a guy tells you that while he loves you, he’s no longer sure he’s “in love” with you?  Pretty awful, right?  And confusing…

If you are like most of us, you’ve probably wondered what went wrong; what caused him to fall out of love with you.  While there could be many different reasons - maybe he met someone else, maybe he’s not equipped to sustain a long-term relationship - most of the time, it boils down to a few common issues.  Preventing them, or overcoming them as soon as they begin to surface, can help you to keep your love going strong.  

He doesn’t feel admired.  For a man to feel loved, he needs to feel admired by his lady.  He wants you to think he’s good, strong, and capable.  He wants to feel like your superhero.  If you find yourself griping at him, complaining about him, or trying to fix him, he’s not going to feel admired.  Keep this in mind:  If you don’t think he’s great, why are you with him in the first place?  Assuming you’re with an amazing guy, save the criticism for major offenses and make him feel wonderful as often as you can.    

You stop being his lover.  For most men, sex and love - in the context of a serious relationship - are intertwined.  In his mind, if there’s little or no sex, there’s little or no love.  Men need to feel desired by the woman they are with in order to feel good about their place in the relationship.  Remember how passionate things were in the beginning of your time as a couple?  It’s never a bad thing to keep those fires burning; or to work on rekindling them if they seem to be going out.

Drama is your middle name.  Is everything always a big deal?  Do you seem to have trauma after trauma, catastrophe after catastrophe?  Are you constantly losing your marbles, having emotional outbursts, or dealing with never-ending struggles?  If so, you might be a drama queen.  And most men are turned off by drama queens.  While no relationship is problem-free and everyone will deal with negative experiences, it’s important for your time together to have a good deal of fun, peace, and relaxation.  When it becomes impossible to make you happy, most men will simply stop trying.

You act too needy.  While a man needs to feel needed by the woman he is with, few men want a needy woman.  What’s the difference?  Needing your man is appreciating the qualities he brings to the relationship.  It’s the desire to connect with another in a loving and intimate way.  Being needy with a man is demanding validation, attention, and approval.  Needy women cling to men in order to improve their self-esteem and they behave as though they can’t live without him.  If you find yourself being needy with a man, take pressure off of him and the relationship by finding other things to fulfill you.  Taking a class, finding a hobby, or learning a new language are just a few examples of ways you can add to your life on your own and for yourself.    

The relationship moved too quickly.  Many women feel the need to move a relationship along at their speed instead of letting things progress naturally.  We push for exclusivity and the title of “girlfriend” after a few weeks.  Six months in, we want to shack up and we give ultimatums to get an engagement ring after a year or two.  When men feel things are moving too fast, they often pull away - sometimes completely.  Don’t force him into relationship milestones if he’s not ready.  Instead, let things unfold at an organic pace.

Jenn Clark is a relationship advice expert, dating coach and author of the book “How to Be a Goddess (A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming the Woman Men Dream About…).” 

You can find it on her Facebook page www.facebook.com/jennx30somethingandsingle

Or on amazon.com at the following link:

http://www.amazon.com/Goddess-Step—Becoming-About-ebook/dp/B006HBSWSS/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1323467354&sr=1-1

For a limited time only:  Buy Jenn’s book THROUGH HER FACEBOOK PAGE and receive a free hour of one-on-one relationship and dating coaching!  

This reader's guy doesn't want to have sex with her. What's his deal? Find out in my latest Reader's Question...

Have you ever been involved with an addict? In my latest Q & A, I use my personal experience to help a reader.

Relationship Advice: The truth about soul mates

Soul mate.  It’s a nice concept, isn’t it?  The idea there’s this perfect person out there who will understand you and love you completely definitely has its allure.  We envision life with a soul mate to be an idyllic existence of harmony and passion.  And when our current partner disappoints us or hurts us, we think to ourselves, “If he could do that, is he really my soul mate?”  

That’s the trouble with soul mates.  How do you ever really know if you’ve found yours?  And when trouble comes - as it always does - we wonder if there might be someone better for us.  The belief that we’ve got an ideal match puts an incredible amount of pressure on both us to find him and on our relationships.  If we are always looking for perfection, we’ll jump from relationship to relationship trying to get it.

The truth is, no relationship is perfect.  No man will be amazing 100% of the time.  And - guess what - neither will you.  Finding your soul mate isn’t so much about finding that one, exact match.  It’s about cultivating a relationship where both of you feel a deepening sense of connection and commitment.  It’s about growing together so that you feel irreplaceable to each other.  Soul mates aren’t instantaneously discovered one day while you’re doing your grocery shopping or walking your dog.  Instead, a man becomes your soul mate over the course of a healthy relationship.  In short, soul mates are developed, not discovered.

So let’s ditch the idea that there is only one, perfect soul mate wandering around looking for a woman just like you.  Instead, there are many, many people who would be fantastic partners in a relationship.  The trick isn’t to find your one, true soul mate, but to determine if a man has what it takes to develop a soul mate-like relationship over time.

You won’t have to convince him to love you.  If a man has the potential to become your soul mate, you won’t find yourself fighting for him to give you love.  You won’t beg or plead for his attention or approval.  And you certainly won’t have to talk him into staying in the relationship.  A man who could become your soul mate will not need to be convinced of how special you are.  Why?  Because he already knows it.      

You’re both committed.  For a relationship to develop into a soul mate-type of partnership, both of you need to be committed to each other.  For the long haul.  If either one of you seems lukewarm or uncertain about wanting a future together, your relationship is in serious jeopardy.  If you are just “hanging out,” spending time together until something better comes along, or simply “FWBs,” your chances of progressing to a deep, meaningful relationship are slim to none.  “Mr. (or Ms.) Right Now” isn’t a soul mate.

You’re both willing to work at the relationship.  Great relationships don’t happen by chance.  They take energy, patience, and a lot of hard work.  And for relationships to thrive, both parties must be willing to put in the effort.  If a man is to become your soul mate, he won’t let you carry the burden of the entire relationship by yourself.  He won’t blame you for the problems that will come up.  He’ll be willing to make adjustments and to do the work necessary to build a healthy and loving life together.  

You share a common outlook on life.  While - in certain situations - opposites may attract, the best relationships are comprised of two people who have a similar view on the world.  These are the situations where people say, “He just gets me,” when talking about their significant other.  Having an understanding of and respect for each other’s way of thinking creates long-term compatibility.  

You love each other despite all of your flaws.  If you’re constantly trying to change who a man fundamentally is or how he treats you, he doesn’t have soul mate potential.  When you fall in love, you fall in love with an imperfect person.  If you are going to develop a soul mate relationship, you need to be okay with his shortcomings.  And he needs to be okay with yours.

So instead of looking for an instant soul mate, look for a man who has the potential to become your soul mate.  That’s how solid, lasting, and rewarding relationships are created. 

Jenn Clark is a relationship advice expert, dating coach and author of the book “How to Be a Goddess (A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming the Woman Men Dream About…).” 

You can find it on her Facebook page www.facebook.com/jennx30somethingandsingle

Or on amazon.com at the following link:

http://www.amazon.com/Goddess-Step—Becoming-About-ebook/dp/B006HBSWSS/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1323467354&sr=1-1

For a limited time only:  Buy Jenn’s book THROUGH HER FACEBOOK PAGE and receive a free hour of one-on-one relationship and dating coaching!  

      

Valentine’s Day: Are you feelin’ the love?

Valentine’s Day.  It’s that time of the year when every store on the block breaks out the tinfoil red hearts, the mass-produced chocolates, and the cheesy, overly-sentimental cards.  You can’t avoid the diamond commercials or pull up your favorite shopping website without being assaulted by a banner promoting the “perfect” Valentine’s Day gifts.  And the anxiety all of this can cause?  Whew!  Many women in relationships will stress over whether he’ll make it special enough (or if he’ll blow it off completely).  Those who are single may feel extra lonely.  Is this really how love is supposed to be celebrated?

I will never forget my own worst Valentine’s Day.  I’d just broken up with a man - who I refer to in my book as “J” - after a four year relationship. When I came home that February 14th from a long day at work, I discovered “J” - who was in the process of moving out of my place - gave me a present.  A piece of jewelry?  A bottle of perfume?  An “I still love you” letter?  Nope.  Thoughtful “J” decided to leave me a phone book, opened to the page of a florist.  He’d handwritten the work address of his ex-girlfriend (a woman who I was certain he was still in love with) next to one of the flower shops.  It didn’t take a genius to figure out what was going on…

If you are like me, you’ve probably had some crappy Valentine’s Days.  And I’ll bet you’ve had some good ones, too.  That’s the problem with Valentine’s Day.  While - at its best - it is supposed to be a day to honor our significant other, it can also be disappointing or even downright miserable.  This is why I often say I have a love/hate relationship with Valentine’s Day.

The idea of having a special day to celebrate your relationship isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  But what about the rest of the year?  Aren’t the other 364 days equally - if not more - important?  Shouldn’t those of us in a relationship endeavor to treat our partners like it’s Valentine’s Day every day?  Shouldn’t we strive to love and honor them on February 15th, as well?  Let’s face it, if this isn’t happening in your relationship on a consistent basis, the best Valentine’s Day in the world won’t make it any better.  So use the upcoming holiday as a reminder of what is really important.  It’s not about where he takes you to dinner or how many red roses he buys.  Being a part of something that both people work to sustain and cultivate is much more meaningful.  

If you’re single this Valentine’s Day, don’t be discouraged.  It’s supposed to be a day about love, right?  So show yourself - and those close to you - some of it.  Tell your BFF how awesome she is.  Buy yourself something frivolous.  Call up a mentor or a teacher and show your appreciation for what you learned from them.  There’s no law that says Valentine’s Day only applies to romantic relationships.  And the amazing thing about love is that when you give it out, it always comes back to you.  

So as February 14th quickly approaches, try to rise above the hype and keep it in its proper perspective.  Whether you’re single or in a relationship, look at it as a reminder to love every day.  After all, that’s the true meaning of Valentine’s Day.   

Jenn Clark is a relationship advice expert, dating coach, and author of the book “How to Be a Goddess (A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming the Woman Men Dream About…).” 

You can find it on her Facebook page www.facebook.com/jennx30somethingandsingle

Or on amazon.com at the following link:

http://www.amazon.com/Goddess-Step—Becoming-About-ebook/dp/B006HBSWSS/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1323467354&sr=1-1

For a limited time only:  Buy Jenn’s book THROUGH HER FACEBOOK PAGE and receive a free hour of one-on-one relationship and dating coaching!  


What should you do when a new guy only seems interested in you for sex?? New Reader's Question!

Relationship Advice: The real reasons men cheat

When it comes to relationships, there’s not much that is more devastating than being cheated on.  As any woman who’s had to deal with infidelity can tell you, it’s a major heartbreaker.  Even if you decide to dump the cheating bastard, the scars of a boyfriend’s betrayal can last long after you give him the heave-ho.  It can affect our self-esteem and cause us to have trust issues with every man who follows him.

If you’ve ever been cheated on, take comfort in knowing that you certainly aren’t alone.  In fact, who among us hasn’t been the victim of an unfaithful man?  Infidelity is so widespread that it often seems like every guy will, eventually, cheat.  Fortunately, this simply isn’t true.  There are plenty of good men out there who value monogamy and want to remain faithful.  Really, there are!  So how do we learn to spot the bad blokes?  And how do we strengthen the odds of having a faithful relationship once we do find a decent dude?

When it comes to preventing cheating, the first step is to look at its causes and which types of guys are more likely to stray.  If we determine the truth behind cheating men, we can go a long way in avoiding it, right?  So let’s analyze the major reasons why men say they cheat.  They can be grouped into three distinct categories:        

He cheats because…he’s a sociopath.  Let’s face it, some guys are simply bad news.  They lack empathy (the ability to identify with another’s feelings), rarely feel guilt, and are exclusively concerned with their own interests.  No matter what we do or how perfect of a girlfriend we are, they won’t be honorable.  When it comes to sociopaths, the only remedy is to steer clear of them.  Seeing him as a challenge or trying to turn him into a good guy is a sure-fire path to heartbreak.  

Sociopath warning signs:  Narcissistic behavior, fake or shallow emotions, and a lot of charm without much substance are a few of the hallmarks of a sociopath.  If he has an extensive history of cheating in the past or treats women as though they are objects - run, sister, run!  Sociopaths are almost always chronic liars, deceivers, and manipulators.  If your gut tells you there’s something shady about him, listen to it!  It’s usually right.     

He cheats because…he gets a thrill out of it.  Have you ever heard the expression “cheater’s high?”  The term refers to the rush people feel when they are unfaithful.  While guilt often sets in later, the initial excitement of doing something you aren’t supposed to do or of an encounter with a new partner can be an adrenaline charge.  And some guys love the feeling.  Much like The Sociopath, there’s not much that can be done to prevent a chronic thrill-seeker from straying.  Sure, you can try to divert his attention into other endorphin-producing activities - bungee jumping, anyone? - but do you really want to work that hard to keep a man faithful? 

“Cheater’s High” warning signs:  He loves to chase women much more than he loves to catch them.  “Cheater’s High” guys will often pursue you like crazy only to cool off once you show them you’re interested.  In addition, guys who like to break the rules in other aspects of their lives - cheating in school or lying about their hours at work, for example - will almost always break the rules in their relationships.        

He cheats because…he’s dissatisfied at home.  When “good guys” cheat, they do it because there are serious problems in their relationship.  Yes, cheating is a “bad thing,” but just because he does it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a “bad guy.”  Sometimes, relationships swerve so far off track that men (and women, too) will use cheating to fulfill needs that aren’t being met at home instead of addressing the real issues.  Is this wrong?  Absolutely.  But the good news is there are things you can do to prevent an otherwise decent man from straying.

Men have especially fragile egos and they need to feel respected, admired, and wanted by their women.  Specifically, there are two main things a man requires in order to be content in a relationship.  First, he needs to feel physically desired.  Second, he needs to feel as though he’s doing a good job at keeping his woman happy.  This is why it is so important to build your guy up, be appreciative of the things he does and the way he treats you, and make him feel like a stud.  Women who choose men of good character - and then treat them in this manner - very rarely find themselves cheated on.  So make him feel wonderful about himself as often as possible.  If you don’t think he’s an amazing guy worthy of your admiration, carefully consider if you should be with him in the first place.  

Dissatisfaction warning signs:  If he regularly seems to be checking out of the relationship, is much less communicative than he once was, or is often distant - Houston, we have a problem!  Likewise, a drastic drop-off in the frequency of sex also indicates trouble.  If your relationship is veering off course, it’s always best to discuss it as soon as possible.  Getting things back on track helps to eliminate the chance of cheating in the future.

Jenn Clark is a relationship advice expert, dating coach and author of the book “How to Be a Goddess (A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming the Woman Men Dream About…).” 

You can find it on her Facebook page www.facebook.com/jennx30somethingandsingle

Or on amazon.com at the following link:

http://www.amazon.com/Goddess-Step—Becoming-About-ebook/dp/B006HBSWSS/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1323467354&sr=1-1

For a limited time only:  Buy Jenn’s book THROUGH HER FACEBOOK PAGE and receive a free hour of one-on-one relationship and dating coaching!  

Relationship Advice: Being hard to get without playing hard to get

You’ve probably heard it said that love is a game.  And many people believe that in order to find relationship bliss, you need to play it well.  Fortunately, this simply isn’t true.  Playing games when it comes to love is essentially the same as playing with someone’s heart and emotions.  Horrible, right?  At its core, playing games is pretending to be someone or something you are not - which almost always comes back to bite us in the butt.

While “playing hard to get” will rarely result in a successful relationship, actually being “hard to get” usually does.  In fact, a recent psychological study published by the European Journal of Personality found that “hard-to-get” women have a much better chance at attaining a serious, committed relationship.  While you might not think there’s much of a difference between “playing hard to get” and “being hard to get,”  there is.  A big one.

So let’s break it down and see what truly makes a woman a high-quality, “hard-to-get” catch as opposed to a big ol’ faker.

You love your life.  Desperation is never sexy and even if you pretend to enjoy being single, your eagerness to find a boyfriend will almost always reveal itself.  So get busy with the business of you.  Have fun with your friends and be social.  Find hobbies and activities that you enjoy.  Work on developing your career.  When you start living your life no matter what your relationship status is, you’ll be a much more independent and complete person when you do meet someone new.  And that, ladies, will draw men to you in a big way.

You’re not overly available.  Have you ever noticed that in the beginning of a relationship, guys want to spend a lot of time with you only to eventually start pulling away?  One of the ways to prevent this from happening is to not be available every time he wants to see you right from the start.  The good news is if you are busy living your life, you won’t have every minute of every day to spend with a new guy.  “Playing hard to get” means that you lie and tell him you can’t see him because you’ve got other plans when, in actuality, you’re sitting at home thinking about him.  “Being hard to get” means you really do have stuff to do and other things besides him occupy your thoughts and time. 

You don’t over share.  There truly is such a thing as TMI.  Just ask the girl who told a first date about her awful ex, how much she hates her hips, and what she’s been working to overcome with her therapist (for the past six years) and then never heard from him again.  “Being hard to get” means you know that there is a time and place for total disclosure.  You allow yourself to open up over time and don’t feel the need to share every detail of your day and every inmost thought right off the bat.  Not every person you meet should be informed of all of your private business.  And this goes for the men you date, too.   

You’re not needy or clingy.  Women who are “easy to get” often ask a new guy things like, “When am I going to see you again?” and “How do you feel about me?”  They accept last minute dates and act as if they are at his beck and call.  After three dates, they start doing his laundry, buying him gifts, and baking him cupcakes.  To a man, this translates as cling-on (and potentially stalker) behavior.  When you are truly “hard to get,” you don’t do things for a man in order to make him fall in love with you.  You don’t base your self-esteem on whether or not you can get a particular guy to like you.  And while you are always gracious and fun to be around, you won’t knock yourself out trying to impress him either.   

You get to know him slowly.  When you take the time to figure out whether or not he’s a good guy, you show him that you are a high-quality woman who won’t settle for less than she deserves.  It’s true that not rushing into falling in love or having a relationship makes it less likely that you will scare him away.  However, even more important is that going slowly with your emotions helps you to protect your heart.  It’s not about playing games; it’s about being smart.  If you adopt the mentality that you will only give your heart to a man who is worthy of it, you have no need to act like you are “hard to get.”  Why?  Because you actually are

Jenn Clark is a relationship advice expert, dating coach and author of the book “How to Be a Goddess (A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming the Woman Men Dream About…).” 

You can find it on her Facebook page www.facebook.com/jennx30somethingandsingle

Or on amazon.com at the following link:

http://www.amazon.com/Goddess-Step—Becoming-About-ebook/dp/B006HBSWSS/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1323467354&sr=1-1

For a limited time only:  Buy Jenn’s book THROUGH HER FACEBOOK PAGE and receive a free hour of one-on-one relationship and dating coaching!  


Reader’s Question: Will he ever leave her for me?

Dear Jenn,

I dated the love of my life a few years back.  He broke my heart and I haven’t been the same since.  He is now dating another girl who he lives with.  Somehow, we remained friends through it all.

A couple of months ago, I confessed how I feel to him and he told me he wants to be with me.  He asked that I give him until next June to take care of things on his end.  He says he feels like he “owes” it to her.  I wouldn’t be living with someone if I truly wanted to be with another man and I have my doubts about his sincerity, yet I find myself playing along with him.  How much could he truly care about me if he’s going home to someone else every day and going to bed with her every night?

I want to quit with this insanity and find a nice, single guy but I can’t seem to stop waiting for him.  Do you have any pointers?

“S”

Dear “S,”

It seems to me like you have a right to be skeptical of your ex-boyfriend.  Telling you he needs to wait almost half a year before he can breakup with his current girlfriend sounds like a textbook example of a man stringing a woman along.  It’s an excuse, plain and simple.  If he were truly serious about his intentions with you, he’d be busy making plans to be with you again.

The truth is a healthy and decent person can’t live two lives.  They can’t be with their significant other one night and their secret lover the next without feeling a tremendous amount of guilt and inner conflict.  If he’s content to spend time in both worlds without making a decision, he’s probably not that invested in either. 

One of the most hurtful mistakes we can make in love is to get involved with someone who is unavailable.  Married men (and women) or guys with girlfriends are almost always bad news.  Chances are extremely high they will not choose us over their current relationship, which can totally damage our self esteem.  If they do leave, we can’t help but wonder if they will betray us in the same way.  Essentially, getting involved with someone who is spoken for is a lose-lose proposition.  Not to mention the fact that it is shady, even if you two aren’t physically involved right now.

You say you can’t stop your relationship with him.  This, my dear, is total BS.  You absolutely can.  If you really wanted this to end, you would end it.  What you want is for him to leave his girlfriend and for things to work out with you.  In order to clear up any delusions you may be experiencing, let me be clear:  This isn’t going to happen.  There are no happy endings in these situations.

Now is the time for you to get strong, “S.”  Realize that continuing in this kind of situation is only going to cause you even more pain and let him go.  As soon as you decide to move on once and for all, you will begin to start to heal - which it sounds like you’ve never really done.  So I say it’s time to pull the rip chord and end things with your ex.  As long as you are hanging onto him - or even onto the idea of being with him - you’ll never be ready for that nice, single guy you say you want.

XX    

Jenn Clark is a relationship advice expert, dating coach and author of the book “How to Be a Goddess (A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming the Woman Men Dream About…).” 

You can find it on her Facebook page www.facebook.com/jennx30somethingandsingle

Or on amazon.com at the following link:

http://www.amazon.com/Goddess-Step—Becoming-About-ebook/dp/B006HBSWSS/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1323467354&sr=1-1

For a limited time only:  Buy Jenn’s book THROUGH HER FACEBOOK PAGE and receive a free hour of one-on-one relationship and dating coaching!  


Relationship Advice: How he decides if you’re “the one”

Have you ever wondered what causes a man to fall in love and want to spend his life with a particular woman?  We’re often conditioned to believe that if we are pretty enough, agreeable enough, and do enough nice things for a man, we will win his heart.  That usually doesn’t work so well, however.  Just ask any girl who’s gone out of her way to please a guy only to have him tell her something like, “I don’t know why, but I’m not feeling it” or “It’s not you, it’s me.”

Whether or not a man falls in love with you has little to do with how much you do for him.  In fact, it’s usually the ladies who don’t work overtime to gain a guy’s approval who  have greater success in their relationships.  Why is this?  Because deep down, men want to make women happy.  They want to be the ones to “give” and for you to “receive.”  When you make it your mission to put his happiness before your own (and therefore act as the “giver”), he’s not able to give to you.  Essentially, you are taking his job away from him.  

So how do we do it?  How do we conduct ourselves from the beginning of a relationship (yes, the very beginning) so that a man is more likely to see us as a keeper?  

The overall idea is to set yourself apart as a “high-quality woman.”  You want to differentiate yourself from the rest of the girls out there who allow men to (as I like to say) throw them scraps and call them dinner.  You need to have unwavering confidence, a backbone, and a joy for life.  You need to know who you are and like that person.  Those are the qualities that will attract more potential long-term relationships than a set of D-cups, perfectly-toned abs, and a sexy Facebook profile picture ever will.  So instead of focusing on the exterior (as we women often do), let’s take a look at some of the things that really make men fall in love.  

He falls in love with the woman who doesn’t lose herself in the relationship.  It may seem odd that one of the main traits that causes a man to want a long-term commitment  with a woman is her independence.  The truth is men like women who have their own lives.  Clingy, needy girls scare them.  Why?  They see that kind of behavior as pressure and we all know how little men like to be pressured into something - especially a relationship.  Most men find it easier to commit if they aren’t pushed, coerced, or guilted into it.  By not acting like you will die without him, he begins to wonder if he’ll survive without you.

He falls in love with the woman who is more than a sexual conquest.  I know of so many women who have attempted to use sex to get a man to fall for her.  They think, “If he sleeps with me one more time, I’ll amaze him to the point he has to be with me permanently.”  Bad move, sisters!  I don’t care how flexible you are, how many moves you know, or how freaky you like it - no man will fall in love based simply on good sex.  In fact, men are much more likely to feel intensely about a woman if she waits to have sex with him for a while.  The one night stands, the sex on the first date chicks, the girls they have a drunken romp with?  They don’t seem to last too long, do they?

He falls in love with the woman who allows him to miss her.  Yes, “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is an overused cliche.  But most cliches become cliches because they are true.  Did you know that men fall in love not only because of how they feel when they’re around you, but by how they feel when you’re apart?  Men equate missing a woman with love.  They interpret “I really want to be with her when I’m not” to mean “I think I’m falling in love with her.”  Dumb girls want to be with a guy 24/7 no matter how much time he wants to spend with her.  Smart women know that spending time apart is what causes him to want to be with her 24/7.

He falls in love with the woman he had to work to get.  When we become too smitten with a man too quickly, his interest in us almost always lessens.  Men like to feel that they have won us over and that they’ve had to expend some effort in attaining us.  Being a “hard to get” woman isn’t about playing games.  It’s about protecting yourself and making sure a man is up to your standards before giving him your heart.  Guess what?  This is exactly what makes him feel like he has earned an incredible prize when you give it to him.    

He falls in love with the woman he has fun with.  Men don’t want to marry their mothers.  (And if they do, that’s a big problem.)  This is why engaging in domestic activities like cooking and cleaning won’t cause him to fall in love with you.  Men don’t want to marry a woman who is a complainer, a nagger, or a nitpicker.  Nor are they interested in spending a lifetime with a woman who turns everything into an argument.  A man wants to marry a woman who is his best friend, his lover, and his champion.  He wants a woman who makes him feel good; a woman who makes him feel like a man.  No relationship will be perfect and every couple struggles with conflict.  But if time with you brings him a lot more pleasure than pain, he’s much more likely to see you as the girl of his dreams. 

A man won’t decide that you are “the one” based on your attempts to convince him or talk him into it.  Instead, he convinces himself because he comes to view you as a woman who is too special to let go.  As a result, he will strive to always treat you with respect and to care for your feelings.  So realize your worth and refuse to settle for less than you deserve.  When we believe in ourselves, others are much more likely to do the same.

Jenn Clark is a relationship advice expert, dating coach and author of the book “How to Be a Goddess (A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming the Woman Men Dream About…).” 

You can find it on her Facebook page www.facebook.com/jennx30somethingandsingle

Or on amazon.com at the following link:

http://www.amazon.com/Goddess-Step—Becoming-About-ebook/dp/B006HBSWSS/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1323467354&sr=1-1


For a limited time only:  Buy Jenn’s book THROUGH HER FACEBOOK PAGE and receive a free hour of one-on-one relationship and dating coaching!  

Reader’s Question: Did I blow it with this guy?!?!

Dear Jenn,

I met a man online a couple of months ago.  The first time we got together in person, it felt like everything clicked and I’d known him forever.  We ended up sleeping together on the third date and have had regular sex since.  I stupidly told him that I was crazy about him and asked him where the relationship was going.  I was supposed to meet his family over the holidays but I didn’t hear from him until after he left his parents house and he never even brought it up.  Did I blow it with him?  He’s the first guy I’ve really liked in almost two years.

“K”

Dear “K,”

First off, let’s quit with the “did I blow it?” crap.  We women put so much dang pressure on ourselves when a man exhibits bad behavior.  We blame ourselves and tend to think everything is our fault.  B.S.  In my humble opinion, I’d say he blew it by acting like a jerk and flaking on your holiday plans.  (Can I get an “Amen,” ladies?!?)  So let him take the lion’s share of the responsibility on that, okay?

All this being said, women often make it much too easy for a guy to exhibit bad behavior and treat them disrespectfully.  It’s true!  And hopping into bed with him and confessing your strong feelings for him much too quickly aids in this.  When you become physically and emotionally involved right away, you don’t protect yourself.  You haven’t had the opportunity to check out his character and determine if he’s worthy of your investment.  (Sorry, but one great first date is not enough to determine if you are “soul mates.”)  You’ve given your body and your heart without requiring that he honor those gifts.  What happens as a result?  He doesn’t appreciate them as much as if he’d had to work for them.

One of the big problems with having sex on the first few dates (or even within the first few months) is that it often causes us to attach.  Every so often, it works out.  The guy is great and there’s not much harm done.  When it really sucks is when we attach to an a-hole.  This is why it’s always better to determine whether or not he’s an a-hole before we have sex with him.  Make sense?  I thought it might.

Once we attach and enter the “sex haze,” that’s when we start saying stuff like:

“I’ve never felt this way before.”  

“I’m falling for you.”  

“How do you feel about me?”

“Are you serious about us?”

And now boyfriend knows you’re smitten.  He thinks either, “Wow, she really likes me and I’m not sure how I feel, so I’m going to pull back” or “Wow, she really likes me and I can do whatever I want and not worry about making her happy anymore.”  That’s what I call a lose-lose proposition for the woman in question.

Don’t get me wrong.  When you and a guy are super serious about each other and he’s wonderful and just the mere thought of him makes you happier than you’ve ever been, you absolutely need to let him know how amazing you think he is.  But after a few dates and a bit of hot sex?  Ummm, no.  I don’t think so.  When we do this, the man in question will invariably pull away - which is exactly what I believe is happening to you now.

If I were you, I would try to get some distance on the “relationship” and some perspective on this guy.  If he’s pulling away or breaking plans with any sort of regularity, I say you pull back, too.  That’s usually to best way to counteract the “I’m crazy about you, are you crazy about me?” stuff.  Whatever you do, don’t chase after him or say things like, “Why are you treating me like this?”  Do that and he’ll run even farther away.

Here’s the bottom line, “K.”  If he’s the guy for you, your actions can’t “blow it.”  If he’s truly crazy about you in return, he’ll show that to you.  If he’s the real deal, it will become clear.  And if he’s just another impostor?  Well, it’s always better to know sooner rather than later.

XX,

Jenn  

Jenn Clark is a relationship advice expert, dating coach and author of the book “How to Be a Goddess (A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming the Woman Men Dream About…).” 

You can find it on her Facebook page www.facebook.com/jennx30somethingandsingle

Or on amazon.com at the following link:

http://www.amazon.com/Goddess-Step—Becoming-About-ebook/dp/B006HBSWSS/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1323467354&sr=1-1

And don’t forget:  Between now and the end of the year, Jenn is donating 10% of her book profits to “No Bully,” a national anti-bullying organization.  You can find them at www.nobully.com Let’s all do our part to stop bullying!