Coming April 1st to Jenn X…

BREAKUP BOOTCAMP!!!  Every day in April, I’ll be giving you the best ways to not just survive, but THRIVE, during and after a breakup.  We’ll figure out how to totally disengage from your ex, start the healing process, and move on to an even better and more fabulous you!  Sound good?  I thought it might!  Tell all your friends and stay tuned!  

If Carrie Bradshaw is a cosmopolitan, Jenn X is a scotch on the rocks.

Jenn X Fan

No matter how much you think you love that a-hole, always remember to love yourself more.

Jenn X

This reader's guy doesn't want to have sex with her. What's his deal? Find out in my latest Reader's Question...

Have you ever been involved with an addict? In my latest Q & A, I use my personal experience to help a reader.

Valentine’s Day: Are you feelin’ the love?

Valentine’s Day.  It’s that time of the year when every store on the block breaks out the tinfoil red hearts, the mass-produced chocolates, and the cheesy, overly-sentimental cards.  You can’t avoid the diamond commercials or pull up your favorite shopping website without being assaulted by a banner promoting the “perfect” Valentine’s Day gifts.  And the anxiety all of this can cause?  Whew!  Many women in relationships will stress over whether he’ll make it special enough (or if he’ll blow it off completely).  Those who are single may feel extra lonely.  Is this really how love is supposed to be celebrated?

I will never forget my own worst Valentine’s Day.  I’d just broken up with a man - who I refer to in my book as “J” - after a four year relationship. When I came home that February 14th from a long day at work, I discovered “J” - who was in the process of moving out of my place - gave me a present.  A piece of jewelry?  A bottle of perfume?  An “I still love you” letter?  Nope.  Thoughtful “J” decided to leave me a phone book, opened to the page of a florist.  He’d handwritten the work address of his ex-girlfriend (a woman who I was certain he was still in love with) next to one of the flower shops.  It didn’t take a genius to figure out what was going on…

If you are like me, you’ve probably had some crappy Valentine’s Days.  And I’ll bet you’ve had some good ones, too.  That’s the problem with Valentine’s Day.  While - at its best - it is supposed to be a day to honor our significant other, it can also be disappointing or even downright miserable.  This is why I often say I have a love/hate relationship with Valentine’s Day.

The idea of having a special day to celebrate your relationship isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  But what about the rest of the year?  Aren’t the other 364 days equally - if not more - important?  Shouldn’t those of us in a relationship endeavor to treat our partners like it’s Valentine’s Day every day?  Shouldn’t we strive to love and honor them on February 15th, as well?  Let’s face it, if this isn’t happening in your relationship on a consistent basis, the best Valentine’s Day in the world won’t make it any better.  So use the upcoming holiday as a reminder of what is really important.  It’s not about where he takes you to dinner or how many red roses he buys.  Being a part of something that both people work to sustain and cultivate is much more meaningful.  

If you’re single this Valentine’s Day, don’t be discouraged.  It’s supposed to be a day about love, right?  So show yourself - and those close to you - some of it.  Tell your BFF how awesome she is.  Buy yourself something frivolous.  Call up a mentor or a teacher and show your appreciation for what you learned from them.  There’s no law that says Valentine’s Day only applies to romantic relationships.  And the amazing thing about love is that when you give it out, it always comes back to you.  

So as February 14th quickly approaches, try to rise above the hype and keep it in its proper perspective.  Whether you’re single or in a relationship, look at it as a reminder to love every day.  After all, that’s the true meaning of Valentine’s Day.   

Jenn Clark is a relationship advice expert, dating coach, and author of the book “How to Be a Goddess (A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming the Woman Men Dream About…).” 

You can find it on her Facebook page www.facebook.com/jennx30somethingandsingle

Or on amazon.com at the following link:

http://www.amazon.com/Goddess-Step—Becoming-About-ebook/dp/B006HBSWSS/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1323467354&sr=1-1

For a limited time only:  Buy Jenn’s book THROUGH HER FACEBOOK PAGE and receive a free hour of one-on-one relationship and dating coaching!  


What should you do when a new guy only seems interested in you for sex?? New Reader's Question!

Relationship Advice: The real reasons men cheat

When it comes to relationships, there’s not much that is more devastating than being cheated on.  As any woman who’s had to deal with infidelity can tell you, it’s a major heartbreaker.  Even if you decide to dump the cheating bastard, the scars of a boyfriend’s betrayal can last long after you give him the heave-ho.  It can affect our self-esteem and cause us to have trust issues with every man who follows him.

If you’ve ever been cheated on, take comfort in knowing that you certainly aren’t alone.  In fact, who among us hasn’t been the victim of an unfaithful man?  Infidelity is so widespread that it often seems like every guy will, eventually, cheat.  Fortunately, this simply isn’t true.  There are plenty of good men out there who value monogamy and want to remain faithful.  Really, there are!  So how do we learn to spot the bad blokes?  And how do we strengthen the odds of having a faithful relationship once we do find a decent dude?

When it comes to preventing cheating, the first step is to look at its causes and which types of guys are more likely to stray.  If we determine the truth behind cheating men, we can go a long way in avoiding it, right?  So let’s analyze the major reasons why men say they cheat.  They can be grouped into three distinct categories:        

He cheats because…he’s a sociopath.  Let’s face it, some guys are simply bad news.  They lack empathy (the ability to identify with another’s feelings), rarely feel guilt, and are exclusively concerned with their own interests.  No matter what we do or how perfect of a girlfriend we are, they won’t be honorable.  When it comes to sociopaths, the only remedy is to steer clear of them.  Seeing him as a challenge or trying to turn him into a good guy is a sure-fire path to heartbreak.  

Sociopath warning signs:  Narcissistic behavior, fake or shallow emotions, and a lot of charm without much substance are a few of the hallmarks of a sociopath.  If he has an extensive history of cheating in the past or treats women as though they are objects - run, sister, run!  Sociopaths are almost always chronic liars, deceivers, and manipulators.  If your gut tells you there’s something shady about him, listen to it!  It’s usually right.     

He cheats because…he gets a thrill out of it.  Have you ever heard the expression “cheater’s high?”  The term refers to the rush people feel when they are unfaithful.  While guilt often sets in later, the initial excitement of doing something you aren’t supposed to do or of an encounter with a new partner can be an adrenaline charge.  And some guys love the feeling.  Much like The Sociopath, there’s not much that can be done to prevent a chronic thrill-seeker from straying.  Sure, you can try to divert his attention into other endorphin-producing activities - bungee jumping, anyone? - but do you really want to work that hard to keep a man faithful? 

“Cheater’s High” warning signs:  He loves to chase women much more than he loves to catch them.  “Cheater’s High” guys will often pursue you like crazy only to cool off once you show them you’re interested.  In addition, guys who like to break the rules in other aspects of their lives - cheating in school or lying about their hours at work, for example - will almost always break the rules in their relationships.        

He cheats because…he’s dissatisfied at home.  When “good guys” cheat, they do it because there are serious problems in their relationship.  Yes, cheating is a “bad thing,” but just because he does it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a “bad guy.”  Sometimes, relationships swerve so far off track that men (and women, too) will use cheating to fulfill needs that aren’t being met at home instead of addressing the real issues.  Is this wrong?  Absolutely.  But the good news is there are things you can do to prevent an otherwise decent man from straying.

Men have especially fragile egos and they need to feel respected, admired, and wanted by their women.  Specifically, there are two main things a man requires in order to be content in a relationship.  First, he needs to feel physically desired.  Second, he needs to feel as though he’s doing a good job at keeping his woman happy.  This is why it is so important to build your guy up, be appreciative of the things he does and the way he treats you, and make him feel like a stud.  Women who choose men of good character - and then treat them in this manner - very rarely find themselves cheated on.  So make him feel wonderful about himself as often as possible.  If you don’t think he’s an amazing guy worthy of your admiration, carefully consider if you should be with him in the first place.  

Dissatisfaction warning signs:  If he regularly seems to be checking out of the relationship, is much less communicative than he once was, or is often distant - Houston, we have a problem!  Likewise, a drastic drop-off in the frequency of sex also indicates trouble.  If your relationship is veering off course, it’s always best to discuss it as soon as possible.  Getting things back on track helps to eliminate the chance of cheating in the future.

Jenn Clark is a relationship advice expert, dating coach and author of the book “How to Be a Goddess (A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming the Woman Men Dream About…).” 

You can find it on her Facebook page www.facebook.com/jennx30somethingandsingle

Or on amazon.com at the following link:

http://www.amazon.com/Goddess-Step—Becoming-About-ebook/dp/B006HBSWSS/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1323467354&sr=1-1

For a limited time only:  Buy Jenn’s book THROUGH HER FACEBOOK PAGE and receive a free hour of one-on-one relationship and dating coaching!  

Reader’s Question: Will he ever leave her for me?

Dear Jenn,

I dated the love of my life a few years back.  He broke my heart and I haven’t been the same since.  He is now dating another girl who he lives with.  Somehow, we remained friends through it all.

A couple of months ago, I confessed how I feel to him and he told me he wants to be with me.  He asked that I give him until next June to take care of things on his end.  He says he feels like he “owes” it to her.  I wouldn’t be living with someone if I truly wanted to be with another man and I have my doubts about his sincerity, yet I find myself playing along with him.  How much could he truly care about me if he’s going home to someone else every day and going to bed with her every night?

I want to quit with this insanity and find a nice, single guy but I can’t seem to stop waiting for him.  Do you have any pointers?

“S”

Dear “S,”

It seems to me like you have a right to be skeptical of your ex-boyfriend.  Telling you he needs to wait almost half a year before he can breakup with his current girlfriend sounds like a textbook example of a man stringing a woman along.  It’s an excuse, plain and simple.  If he were truly serious about his intentions with you, he’d be busy making plans to be with you again.

The truth is a healthy and decent person can’t live two lives.  They can’t be with their significant other one night and their secret lover the next without feeling a tremendous amount of guilt and inner conflict.  If he’s content to spend time in both worlds without making a decision, he’s probably not that invested in either. 

One of the most hurtful mistakes we can make in love is to get involved with someone who is unavailable.  Married men (and women) or guys with girlfriends are almost always bad news.  Chances are extremely high they will not choose us over their current relationship, which can totally damage our self esteem.  If they do leave, we can’t help but wonder if they will betray us in the same way.  Essentially, getting involved with someone who is spoken for is a lose-lose proposition.  Not to mention the fact that it is shady, even if you two aren’t physically involved right now.

You say you can’t stop your relationship with him.  This, my dear, is total BS.  You absolutely can.  If you really wanted this to end, you would end it.  What you want is for him to leave his girlfriend and for things to work out with you.  In order to clear up any delusions you may be experiencing, let me be clear:  This isn’t going to happen.  There are no happy endings in these situations.

Now is the time for you to get strong, “S.”  Realize that continuing in this kind of situation is only going to cause you even more pain and let him go.  As soon as you decide to move on once and for all, you will begin to start to heal - which it sounds like you’ve never really done.  So I say it’s time to pull the rip chord and end things with your ex.  As long as you are hanging onto him - or even onto the idea of being with him - you’ll never be ready for that nice, single guy you say you want.

XX    

Jenn Clark is a relationship advice expert, dating coach and author of the book “How to Be a Goddess (A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming the Woman Men Dream About…).” 

You can find it on her Facebook page www.facebook.com/jennx30somethingandsingle

Or on amazon.com at the following link:

http://www.amazon.com/Goddess-Step—Becoming-About-ebook/dp/B006HBSWSS/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1323467354&sr=1-1

For a limited time only:  Buy Jenn’s book THROUGH HER FACEBOOK PAGE and receive a free hour of one-on-one relationship and dating coaching!  


Relationship Advice: How he decides if you’re “the one”

Have you ever wondered what causes a man to fall in love and want to spend his life with a particular woman?  We’re often conditioned to believe that if we are pretty enough, agreeable enough, and do enough nice things for a man, we will win his heart.  That usually doesn’t work so well, however.  Just ask any girl who’s gone out of her way to please a guy only to have him tell her something like, “I don’t know why, but I’m not feeling it” or “It’s not you, it’s me.”

Whether or not a man falls in love with you has little to do with how much you do for him.  In fact, it’s usually the ladies who don’t work overtime to gain a guy’s approval who  have greater success in their relationships.  Why is this?  Because deep down, men want to make women happy.  They want to be the ones to “give” and for you to “receive.”  When you make it your mission to put his happiness before your own (and therefore act as the “giver”), he’s not able to give to you.  Essentially, you are taking his job away from him.  

So how do we do it?  How do we conduct ourselves from the beginning of a relationship (yes, the very beginning) so that a man is more likely to see us as a keeper?  

The overall idea is to set yourself apart as a “high-quality woman.”  You want to differentiate yourself from the rest of the girls out there who allow men to (as I like to say) throw them scraps and call them dinner.  You need to have unwavering confidence, a backbone, and a joy for life.  You need to know who you are and like that person.  Those are the qualities that will attract more potential long-term relationships than a set of D-cups, perfectly-toned abs, and a sexy Facebook profile picture ever will.  So instead of focusing on the exterior (as we women often do), let’s take a look at some of the things that really make men fall in love.  

He falls in love with the woman who doesn’t lose herself in the relationship.  It may seem odd that one of the main traits that causes a man to want a long-term commitment  with a woman is her independence.  The truth is men like women who have their own lives.  Clingy, needy girls scare them.  Why?  They see that kind of behavior as pressure and we all know how little men like to be pressured into something - especially a relationship.  Most men find it easier to commit if they aren’t pushed, coerced, or guilted into it.  By not acting like you will die without him, he begins to wonder if he’ll survive without you.

He falls in love with the woman who is more than a sexual conquest.  I know of so many women who have attempted to use sex to get a man to fall for her.  They think, “If he sleeps with me one more time, I’ll amaze him to the point he has to be with me permanently.”  Bad move, sisters!  I don’t care how flexible you are, how many moves you know, or how freaky you like it - no man will fall in love based simply on good sex.  In fact, men are much more likely to feel intensely about a woman if she waits to have sex with him for a while.  The one night stands, the sex on the first date chicks, the girls they have a drunken romp with?  They don’t seem to last too long, do they?

He falls in love with the woman who allows him to miss her.  Yes, “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is an overused cliche.  But most cliches become cliches because they are true.  Did you know that men fall in love not only because of how they feel when they’re around you, but by how they feel when you’re apart?  Men equate missing a woman with love.  They interpret “I really want to be with her when I’m not” to mean “I think I’m falling in love with her.”  Dumb girls want to be with a guy 24/7 no matter how much time he wants to spend with her.  Smart women know that spending time apart is what causes him to want to be with her 24/7.

He falls in love with the woman he had to work to get.  When we become too smitten with a man too quickly, his interest in us almost always lessens.  Men like to feel that they have won us over and that they’ve had to expend some effort in attaining us.  Being a “hard to get” woman isn’t about playing games.  It’s about protecting yourself and making sure a man is up to your standards before giving him your heart.  Guess what?  This is exactly what makes him feel like he has earned an incredible prize when you give it to him.    

He falls in love with the woman he has fun with.  Men don’t want to marry their mothers.  (And if they do, that’s a big problem.)  This is why engaging in domestic activities like cooking and cleaning won’t cause him to fall in love with you.  Men don’t want to marry a woman who is a complainer, a nagger, or a nitpicker.  Nor are they interested in spending a lifetime with a woman who turns everything into an argument.  A man wants to marry a woman who is his best friend, his lover, and his champion.  He wants a woman who makes him feel good; a woman who makes him feel like a man.  No relationship will be perfect and every couple struggles with conflict.  But if time with you brings him a lot more pleasure than pain, he’s much more likely to see you as the girl of his dreams. 

A man won’t decide that you are “the one” based on your attempts to convince him or talk him into it.  Instead, he convinces himself because he comes to view you as a woman who is too special to let go.  As a result, he will strive to always treat you with respect and to care for your feelings.  So realize your worth and refuse to settle for less than you deserve.  When we believe in ourselves, others are much more likely to do the same.

Jenn Clark is a relationship advice expert, dating coach and author of the book “How to Be a Goddess (A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming the Woman Men Dream About…).” 

You can find it on her Facebook page www.facebook.com/jennx30somethingandsingle

Or on amazon.com at the following link:

http://www.amazon.com/Goddess-Step—Becoming-About-ebook/dp/B006HBSWSS/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1323467354&sr=1-1


For a limited time only:  Buy Jenn’s book THROUGH HER FACEBOOK PAGE and receive a free hour of one-on-one relationship and dating coaching!  

Reader’s Question: Did I blow it with this guy?!?!

Dear Jenn,

I met a man online a couple of months ago.  The first time we got together in person, it felt like everything clicked and I’d known him forever.  We ended up sleeping together on the third date and have had regular sex since.  I stupidly told him that I was crazy about him and asked him where the relationship was going.  I was supposed to meet his family over the holidays but I didn’t hear from him until after he left his parents house and he never even brought it up.  Did I blow it with him?  He’s the first guy I’ve really liked in almost two years.

“K”

Dear “K,”

First off, let’s quit with the “did I blow it?” crap.  We women put so much dang pressure on ourselves when a man exhibits bad behavior.  We blame ourselves and tend to think everything is our fault.  B.S.  In my humble opinion, I’d say he blew it by acting like a jerk and flaking on your holiday plans.  (Can I get an “Amen,” ladies?!?)  So let him take the lion’s share of the responsibility on that, okay?

All this being said, women often make it much too easy for a guy to exhibit bad behavior and treat them disrespectfully.  It’s true!  And hopping into bed with him and confessing your strong feelings for him much too quickly aids in this.  When you become physically and emotionally involved right away, you don’t protect yourself.  You haven’t had the opportunity to check out his character and determine if he’s worthy of your investment.  (Sorry, but one great first date is not enough to determine if you are “soul mates.”)  You’ve given your body and your heart without requiring that he honor those gifts.  What happens as a result?  He doesn’t appreciate them as much as if he’d had to work for them.

One of the big problems with having sex on the first few dates (or even within the first few months) is that it often causes us to attach.  Every so often, it works out.  The guy is great and there’s not much harm done.  When it really sucks is when we attach to an a-hole.  This is why it’s always better to determine whether or not he’s an a-hole before we have sex with him.  Make sense?  I thought it might.

Once we attach and enter the “sex haze,” that’s when we start saying stuff like:

“I’ve never felt this way before.”  

“I’m falling for you.”  

“How do you feel about me?”

“Are you serious about us?”

And now boyfriend knows you’re smitten.  He thinks either, “Wow, she really likes me and I’m not sure how I feel, so I’m going to pull back” or “Wow, she really likes me and I can do whatever I want and not worry about making her happy anymore.”  That’s what I call a lose-lose proposition for the woman in question.

Don’t get me wrong.  When you and a guy are super serious about each other and he’s wonderful and just the mere thought of him makes you happier than you’ve ever been, you absolutely need to let him know how amazing you think he is.  But after a few dates and a bit of hot sex?  Ummm, no.  I don’t think so.  When we do this, the man in question will invariably pull away - which is exactly what I believe is happening to you now.

If I were you, I would try to get some distance on the “relationship” and some perspective on this guy.  If he’s pulling away or breaking plans with any sort of regularity, I say you pull back, too.  That’s usually to best way to counteract the “I’m crazy about you, are you crazy about me?” stuff.  Whatever you do, don’t chase after him or say things like, “Why are you treating me like this?”  Do that and he’ll run even farther away.

Here’s the bottom line, “K.”  If he’s the guy for you, your actions can’t “blow it.”  If he’s truly crazy about you in return, he’ll show that to you.  If he’s the real deal, it will become clear.  And if he’s just another impostor?  Well, it’s always better to know sooner rather than later.

XX,

Jenn  

Jenn Clark is a relationship advice expert, dating coach and author of the book “How to Be a Goddess (A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming the Woman Men Dream About…).” 

You can find it on her Facebook page www.facebook.com/jennx30somethingandsingle

Or on amazon.com at the following link:

http://www.amazon.com/Goddess-Step—Becoming-About-ebook/dp/B006HBSWSS/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1323467354&sr=1-1

And don’t forget:  Between now and the end of the year, Jenn is donating 10% of her book profits to “No Bully,” a national anti-bullying organization.  You can find them at www.nobully.com Let’s all do our part to stop bullying!

Relationship Advice: Getting back out there in 2013 

As 2013 quickly approaches, it’s time to start thinking about your New Year’s resolutions.  Many of us will pledge to get in shape or quit a bad habit in a quest for self-improvement.  But what about our personal lives?  Shouldn’t they get some attention, too? 

Maybe 2012 wasn’t the best year for your love life.  Maybe you suffered a major heartbreak or a multitude of dating disasters.  Maybe you were in a romantic desert and starting worrying you were going to be single for the rest of your life.  We’ve all been there.  And when it comes to relationships (or lack thereof), there’s bound to be some low times.  

So if the past year was not your greatest when it came to romance, that’s okay.  It’s time to begin to look forward instead of backward.  There’s no reason why 2013 can’t be the year Mr. Right comes a knockin’.  Use the following tips to help jump start your dating life - and to have some fun as well.

Make sure you would date you.  After a long-term relationship or a long time being single, it isn’t uncommon for women to - errrr - let some things go.  Maybe there are some improvements to be made - both to your outside and to your insides.  Take the time to make them.  The better you feel about yourself - emotionally, physically, and spiritually - the more confidence you’ll exude.  And nothing is more attractive than a woman who carries herself with confidence.

Move on.  Is there a toxic ex or a broken relationship that you can’t seem to let go of totally?  If so, the new year is a great time to remove it from your life once and for all.  Here’s the deal:  Unless we move beyond our pasts, we’ll never get to our futures.  So this NYE, give a midnight kiss off to that jerk who dumped you or to the guy who never seemed to care as much as you did.  Those impostors are simply holding you back from finding the real thing.  

Try something new.  Part of getting back out there is putting yourself out there.  And the best way to do that is to expand your social circles, activities, and interests.  Why not resolve to make 2013 the year you join that running group or take a class in the foreign language you’ve always wanted to learn?  It doesn’t matter what you do, so long as you do something.  Broadening your horizons not only helps you to improve yourself, it also helps you to make new acquaintances.  And you never know where those could lead…  

Get online.  Online dating probably isn’t the best way to meet your future soul mate (no matter what the commercials may say), but it is a great way to dip a toe back into the dating pool from the comfort of your own home.  Let’s face it - it’s totally exciting to have an inbox full of messages from potential suitors.  (Even if they can’t spell, write inappropriate things, or look more like Seth Rogen than Channing Tatum.)  If nothing else, having a few match.com dates will help you to brush up on your dating etiquette and flirting skills.  Which is never a bad thing.  

Rally your troops.  When one of my good friends became tired of living the single life, she put her friends and family on notice.  She told them that she - a woman who had done a lot of nice things for others - was now ready for some payback in the form of set-ups and blind dates.  Ask the people around you if they know of any great, eligible bachelors you might get along with.  Tell your friends to be on the lookout for potential candidates for you.  Almost everyone knows an unattached man or two.

So here’s to 2013, ladies, and all the new adventures and possibilities it will bring!  Getting back into the dating scene may seem like a tough task, but it doesn’t have to be.  Always remember that your life can be as great as you choose to make it.  Keep a positive outlook and work on being the best you that you can be.  When we do that, it’s usually not too long before a new someone special enters the picture.  

Jenn Clark is a relationship advice expert, dating coach and author of the book “How to Be a Goddess (A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming the Woman Men Dream About…).” 

You can find it on her Facebook page www.facebook.com/jennx30somethingandsingle

Or on amazon.com at the following link:

http://www.amazon.com/Goddess-Step—Becoming-About-ebook/dp/B006HBSWSS/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1323467354&sr=1-1

And don’t forget:  Between now and the end of the year, Jenn is donating 10% of her book profits to “No Bully,” a national anti-bullying organization.  You can find them at www.nobully.com Let’s all do our part to stop bullying!

Have you read "How to Be a Goddess" yet? If not, now's the perfect time to get it! Throughout the month of December, Jenn is offering a FREE one hour relationship coaching session when you purchase her book THROUGH HER FACEBOOK PAGE. Click here to find it!

Relationship Advice: Ten dating mistakes that turn guys off

Do you feel like a dating disaster?  Are you wondering why it seems so difficult to get (and keep) a guy interested?  If so, you’re not alone.  Almost every woman has made a multitude of mistakes when it comes to finding love.  (I know I have!)  So as you’re searching for the man of your dreams, keep these common blunders in mind.  

We chase after them.  Contrary to some modern-day dating advice that says women should feel free to pursue guys they’re interested in, the best relationships are those where the man is the initiator.  When we hang around a guy hoping he’ll notice us, call him, or ask him out, we lessen his desire to pursue us and secure a relationship.  If you let guys come to you instead of the other way around, you’ll be much more likely to find a man who is crazy about you.     

We try to be “one of the boys.”  It’s great to be able to hang with the guys, but you should never try to become one.  While most women would hesitate to burp (or worse…) around a guy she likes, many feel free to cuss or engage in “sailor-talk.”  When I’ve interviewed men, however, this is one of the things they site as a major turn-off.  Likewise, you shouldn’t try to compete with him the way guys do when they’re together.  Tell him you can “kick his ass” at “Call of Duty” or a game of hoops and he’ll see you more as a friend than a girlfriend.    

We accept casual or no-strings-attached relationships.  Sex won’t make a guy fall in love with you and agreeing to a booty call situation won’t make him want to be your boyfriend.  In fact, having sex too soon or without an articulated commitment makes a man less inclined to see you as the woman of his dreams.  Instead of having sex hoping it will lead to a relationship, wait until there’s a relationship before having sex.

We share too much too soon.  I’m always amazed when I hear the things women are willing to talk about on the first few dates.  Going into details about your nightmare ex, what you are working through with your therapist, or how you haven’t had a date in six months are not appropriate dinner conversations.  We think we’re being open; he’ll think we sound psycho.  He doesn’t need to know every piece of your dirty laundry or your deepest secrets before the entrees arrive.  If you let him get to know you over time, you’ll be less likely to scare him off.  

We treat dates like a job interviews or business appointments.  On the other hand, you don’t want to act coldly or as though he has to apply for the position of “boyfriend.”  It can be difficult to transition from business to romance - especially for us career gals - but it’s important that we do.  Dating should be fun!  So don’t interrogate him with a series of questions or ask exclusively about his career.  Just like you, he is more than his resume.   

We become jealous and possessive.  Not too many guys think it’s hot if a woman is continually checking up on him, suspiciously interrogates him about what he’s doing, or doesn’t want him to hang with his friends on occasion.  Men like women who give them some breathing room.  Besides, if you don’t trust him, why are you with him?  If you feel the need to search through his Facebook IMs and texts, you shouldn’t be dating him in the first place.  

We are too available and eager to please.  It’s not about playing hard to get or any of that nonsense.  It’s about having a life and not abandoning it when a new guy enters the picture.  We may think we’re showing him how much he means to us by wanting to spend every waking (and sleeping) minute with him or by accepting last minute dates.  However, men see this behavior as needy and desperate.  If you make him the center of your universe, it won’t be long before he asks for some space. 

We attempt to change him.  If you’re like most women, you’ve made the mistake of trying to change things about a guy that you don’t like.  Maybe you’ve even hoped you could turn a bad boy into a model boyfriend.  How did that go for you?  Not so great, right?  Before we make the mistake of trying to change a guy, we should think how we’d feel if the situation were reversed.  Would you want to be with a guy who didn’t like fundamental things about you and wanted to change the woman you are?  If we wouldn’t want it done to us, we shouldn’t do it to others.

We act selfishly.  I recently had a conversation with a male coaching client of mine.  He told me about his latest date with a very attractive, smart, and fun woman.  Everything was going well until the end of the evening.  “She never bothered to thank me for dinner,” he told me.  My client said he absolutely, positively would not ask her out again.  Manners are important, as is acting appreciative of the things a man does for you.  If you act entitled or ungrateful, that’s a big time turn-off.  Likewise, if you go on and on talking about yourself or insist on what you two will do on each and every date, he’s going to think you’re a spoiled brat.  There should always be some give with your take.

We come off as shallow or superficial.  Think a guy wants to hear about how much money you spent on your last shopping spree, how badly you want to get a boob job, or the inside scoop on a woman you dislike?  Think again.  He won’t think it’s endearing if you come off as gossipy, overly materialistic, or obsessed with your looks.  A woman will be much better off if she saves that kind of talk for her girlfriends.

Have you made any (or all) of these mistakes?  Don’t be too hard on yourself!  Pick yourself up and get back out there.  After all, figuring out what we’re doing wrong is the first step to getting it right.  

Jenn Clark is a relationship advice expert, dating coach and author of the book “How to Be a Goddess (A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming the Woman Men Dream About…).” 

You can find it on her Facebook page www.facebook.com/jennx30somethingandsingle

Or on amazon.com at the following link:

http://www.amazon.com/Goddess-Step—Becoming-About-ebook/dp/B006HBSWSS/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1323467354&sr=1-1

And don’t forget:  Between now and the end of the year, Jenn is donating 10% of her book profits to “No Bully,” a national anti-bullying organization.  You can find them at www.nobully.com Let’s all do our part to stop bullying!