Jenn X: 30Something & Single

One of the biggest relationship myths is that a man will fall in love with a woman because of great sex.  This might sound ridiculous but given the common sex mistakes well-meaning women make everyday, it’s clear many of us fall into the trap of thinking it’s true.  Or, at the very least, that we are the exception to the rule.  Have you ever done one or more of the following?

- Agreed to a “friends with benefits” or “booty call” situation even though what you really wanted was a serious relationship with the man? 

-  Dropped everything to go over to his house for a last-minute sleepover even though you hadn’t heard from him in over a week? 

-  Spent weeks or months sleeping with a guy who showed no interest in taking you out on a real date, let alone in making things exclusive with you?  

-  Gotten physically involved with a guy who was taken and then hoped he would leave his girlfriend for you? 

If you can answer “yes” to any of these questions, you have allowed a man to use you for sex.  Let me be clear – if all you want is casual sex with no strings attached; go for it.  The problem lies with “relationships” where all the man wants is sex and the woman wants more.  Having a man use you for your body is one of the most hurtful things a woman can experience.

Not every situation where a man uses a woman for sex is as clear cut as the examples above.  Very often there’s some confusion involved.  It might not be as blatant as a “booty call,” but you have a sinking feeling he’s not as serious about you as you’d like him to be.  Or maybe you want to make sure a man doesn’t use you for sex and need some help with seeing the warning signs.  So use the following as a check list:

1.  He doesn’t take you out.  A man who is interested in more than sex will take you on dates.  It will be dinners and movies in public places, not just a beer and a DVD at his place.  If the majority of your relationship is spent either on the couch or in the bed, he’s using you for sex.

2.  He doesn’t seem interested in getting to know you.  A man who is serious about a woman wants to know everything about her.  He will care about what kind of food you like, how you spend your weekends, and about your job.  In the early stages of dating, he will ask you questions about yourself.  If he doesn’t make an effort to learn who you are, he’s not thinking long-term.

3.  He’s not affectionate.  If the only time he touches you occurs when he’s expecting sex or during sex, that’s a serious problem.  My boyfriend once told me that a woman can tell exactly how a man feels about her by how he treats her right after sex.  If he can’t get away fast enough, that’s a very bad sign.

4.  He’s inconsistent in contacting you.  If he doesn’t initiate regular contact and only texts you when he’d like you to make a late-night “delivery,” you can be certain he’s using you.  In the early stages of dating, a man who is crazy about you will not let more than a couple of days pass without sending you a text or calling.  If it’s been months of seeing each other, he should be in daily contact.  If he’s not communicating with you, he’s not thinking about you.  Except when he’s horny.

5.  You suspect he’s using you.  All too often, women ignore their guts when it comes to men.  It’s like we meet a guy, fall for him, and lose all sense of rationality.  Most women have a strong intuition and we shouldn’t be afraid to listen to it.  If your gut tells you something about him isn’t right and you think he might be using you for sex, he probably is.

We often don’t like to face the fact that a man can have sex without any emotional attachment.  We want to think that with us it will be “different.”  But women get used sexually everyday.  It doesn’t matter how beautiful, smart, or amazing we are – it can happen to anyone.  So here’s what I have to say:  Protect yourself.  See yourself as a special prize.  And wait to give yourself to a man – both emotionally and physically – until you’re sure he’s worthy of that gift. 

Jenn Clark is a relationship advice expert and author of the book “How to Be a Goddess (A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming the Woman Men Dream About…).” 

You can find it on her Facebook page www.facebook.com/jennx30somethingandsingle

Or on amazon.com at the following link:

http://www.amazon.com/Goddess-Step—Becoming-About-ebook/dp/B006HBSWSS/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1323467354&sr=1-1   

Dear Jenn X,

I’m having a problem with my boyfriend.  Basically, I don’t trust him.  He goes out a lot without me and I feel like he’s up to no good.  I’ve checked his phone before and found flirty texts between him and a couple of other girls.  When I confronted him, he got angry and said they were just friends and that I was being paranoid.

I don’t have specific proof he’s cheated, but I am sure he’s doing it.  Should I break up with him now or should I wait until I know for sure?  What would a goddess do?

“R”

Dear “R” –

I have a quote I like to use in situations like this.  You may have read it on my blog before, but just in case, here it is again:  The fastest way to have trust issues with a man is to be with a man you don’t trust.  Can you relate to that, “R?”  I bet you can.

I can’t tell you for sure if he’s cheating on you.  But I will say that if you have trust issues, being with a guy who goes out all the time and flirts with other women will only make them worse.  Listen sweetie, you could do all the snooping you want.  You could play private detective and set up a nightly surveillance on him.  You could hack into his Facebook and email.  But at what cost?  Is all of this worth your mental and emotional health?  You could literally drive yourself crazy thinking and worrying about it.

What would a goddess do?  First off, she wouldn’t get involved with a man who makes her feel insecure.  Very often we think that we can handle certain behaviors in a partner, even though we know we truly can’t.  Let me explain:  For the sake of argument, let’s say your boyfriend is not cheating and is just a flirty guy who likes to party.  Are you okay with that?  Given your suspicions and the snooping through his phone, your answer is “no.”  If it didn’t bother you, you wouldn’t be giving it a second thought.  Trying to accept behavior that you find unacceptable will ruin your relationships.  It’s always healthier to find someone who is better suited to you.

Second, a goddess always listens to her gut.  If your gut is telling you something is up, it usually is.  Assuming you don’t have deep trust issues with men or are one of those women who is convinced that every guy is going to cheat on her, I think you need to trust yourself.   

As far as I see it, it doesn’t really matter so much whether or not he’s cheating on you.  (And if he is and he’s good at covering it up, you may not know for sure for a very, very long time.  If at all.)  The bottom line is you don’t trust him.  Whether your lack of trust is real or imagined, it exists.  And one way or the other it will end up destroying your relationship.

So here’s my advice to you:  Figure out whether your lack of trust is due to him and his actions or to something going on inside of you.  Are you distrusting in all of your relationships?  Or is this situation specific to your current boyfriend?  If you decide that trust is something you need to work on – do it.  Trusting a man is one of the ways that you show him that you love him.  It is an essential component of a healthy relationship.  But you should never give your trust lightly.  And from what you’ve told me, I’m not sure this guy is worthy of it.

XX

Do you have a question for Jenn? Send it to her at jennx30@gmail.com or through her Facebook page www.facebook.com/jennx30somethingandsingle.

And for answers to all of your relationship questions, be sure to check out her book “How to Be a Goddess (A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming the Woman Men Dream About…).”

You can find it on her Facebook page or on amazon.com at http://www.amazon.com/Goddess-Step—Becoming-About-ebook/dp/B006HBSWSS/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1323467354&sr=1-1

Dear Jenn X,

I am really desperate.  Yesterday was my birthday and my ex decided it was a good time to tell me he got himself a new girlfriend.  He couldn’t even wait till the day was over to step on my already broken heart.

I still have very strong feelings for him although I tell myself that he doesn’t deserve me.   I’ve cut all ties to move on to the path of healing, but it is so hard.  I can’t eat, can’t sleep, and can’t do anything.  My mind is empty.  I’m suffering so much that I don’t know what to do.  I need to get well and there are projects I need to work on, but I am barely breathing regularly right now.  My friends have heard everything I have to say.  I keep repeating things and it doesn’t make me feel any better.

Are there any words of advice you can give me?  I would really be grateful for some…

Your currently depressed fan,

“N”

Dear “N” –

Let me start out by saying that I understand your pain.  Heartbreak is not just emotional; it’s actually physical.  It really does feel like your chest hurts, doesn’t it?

It’s perfectly normal to grieve after a relationship ends.  And if you receive another blow by finding out that your love has moved on and is now with someone else, well, that only intensifies everything you are already feeling.  I’ve been there and I get it.

But here’s the deal, “N.”  You are at a crossroads and are now faced with a choice.  You can choose to wallow in your misery or you can choose to go on with your life.  No matter how it may seem, you are the one who now has the opportunity to choose how you feel.  Your ex is not in control of you.  Moving on and finding happiness is up to you and you alone. 

How do you do this?  You just do.  You force yourself to keep going.  You force yourself to continue on and take care of the things you need to take care of.  You force yourself to go out, have fun, and develop a full and satisfying life.  Sure, you might not feel like it at first, but keep at it.  Eventually your feelings will catch up with your actions.

When we get busy living again, something remarkable happens.  We begin to feel better.  The more we focus on things other than the guy who broke our hearts, the less we find ourselves thinking about him.  And the less we think about him, the happier we are.

There’s no magic pill for getting over heartbreak.  I wish there was!  The truth is that it takes time and it takes a shift in our attitudes.  But the good news is that you are in control.  Your ex doesn’t determine how you feel.  You do!  And your happiness is up to you and you alone. 

So get busy living, “N.”  Go back to doing the things you need to do.  Find activities that make you happy and put a smile on your face.  Quit giving him control over how you feel and take your power back.  This is your life, “N.”  Live it well.

XX,

Jenn X 

Do you have a question for Jenn?  Send it to her at jennx30@gmail.com or through her Facebook page www.facebook.com/jennx30somethingandsingle.

And for answers to all of your relationship questions, be sure to check out her book “How to Be a Goddess (A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming the Woman Men Dream About…).”  You can find it on her Facebook page or on amazon.com at http://www.amazon.com/Goddess-Step—Becoming-About-ebook/dp/B006HBSWSS/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1323467354&sr=1-1

Throughout the month, I’ll be taking a look at the craze that is “50 Shades of Grey” and why it’s reigniting the sex lives of women everywhere. Do women really have submission fantasies? Are we truly attracted to dominant males? And can this align with being strong women ourselves? If you’ve read the book and have an opinion, I want to hear from you! Feel free to send me a direct message or tweet!

Hi Jenn X,

I dated this guy for about a year and we broke up about 4 months ago.  We got along great for the first seven months but the last three were very rocky. To be honest, I don’t really know what happened.  I remember lying in his bed with the instinct that the relationship was over and there was no spark anymore.  And we broke up the next day. 

I still miss him and I’m having a very hard time moving on.  I started seeing someone else, but I couldn’t bring myself to get close to him.  I’ve heard from my ex but it’s just been a random “Hi” here and there.  During one of these exchanges, I did tell him that I was seeing someone else.

I messaged him a couple weeks after that and told him how I honestly feel about him.  The only thing he wrote back was, “You have no idea how busy I am.”  So I didn’t bother him again because when a guy tells you that it usually means they don’t want to hear from you.  What do I do, Jenn?

“P”

Dear “P” -

As I see it, you’ve got two main issues to deal with.  First, you seriously need to ask yourself why you want to be with him.  If the last three months of your relationship was “rocky,” will things be different this time around?  If there was really no “spark,” will you be able to get that back?

After a break-up, we very often forget the “bad” things about a relationship and focus on the “good.”  Especially if we still have feelings for the guy.  So you need to be as objective as possible.  Do you want him back because you have analyzed the situation and believe he is the guy for you?  Or do you just want to be with him because you haven’t met anyone else who does it for you the way he did?

Only you can answer those questions, “P.”  And I suggest you do your best to really figure them out. 

I’m going to shoot it to ya straight on this next point, OK?  You broke one of the cardinal “we broke up but now I want him back” rules.  Know what it is?  Yep, you guessed it:  You told him you were seeing another guy.  Bad decision, girlfriend.

As hard as I’m being on you, don’t be so hard on yourself about it.  Women make this mistake all the time.  We often think that if we can make our ex jealous, he’ll see what he’s missing and will want us back.  Unfortunately, this plan almost always backfires.  Can you see how confused he must be?  You tell him you’re dating someone else and then a couple of weeks later, you tell him you still want to be with him.  It comes off as playing games - even if it’s not what you intended - and I’m not surprised by his reaction.

Now that I’ve scolded you, let me offer you some praise.  Good job not contacting him again!  Giving him some space and some time is exactly what you need to be doing right now.  Since he contacted you a few times after the break-up, I think chances are pretty good you’ll hear from him again.  I can’t tell you when, however.  You’ll need to be patient on this one, my friend.

When you do hear from him, here’s what you do:  Engage him in a light-hearted and friendly manner.  Keep it casual and upbeat.  Don’t get all heavy and certainly don’t tell him about every date you’ve had over the past few months.  In fact, if he asks if you’re dating anyone, say, “No one special,”  and then change the subject.  You don’t want to seem like you’ve completely moved on, but you don’t want to come off like you’re pining for him either. 

“P,” you can’t make anyone want to be with you.  Either he does or he doesn’t.  But there are absolutely behaviors we can exhibit which will either draw people toward us or will push them away.  There’s no use in laying it on thick, pressuring him, or working overtime to get him back.  Go about your life.  Move on as best you can and see what he does in the meantime.  When he contacts you, focus on rekindling the friendship.  If it’s meant to be, the rest will follow.

XX

Have a relationship or dating question?  You can email Jenn at jennx30@gmail.com.

And don’t forget to check out her book, “How to Be a Goddess (A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming the Woman Men Dream About…).”  It will guide you through all of your relationship issues!

http://www.amazon.com/Goddess-Step—Becoming-About-ebook/dp/B006HBSWSS/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1323467354&sr=1-1  

http://www.expertsubjects.com/Store/Product/How_to_Be_a_Goddess_A_StepbyStep_Guide_to_Becoming_the_Woman_Men_Dream_About/402

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/how-to-be-a-goddess-jenn-clark/1108130295?ean=2940013700956